Making Good Decisions

Feeling pretty proud of myself today - for making good decisions (for once!).

I read two things today in The Express that made me happy:

1. "Nutrition: Whole Foods Sheds a Tear: Organic foods provide no health of nutritional benefits over non-organic foods, British researchers said Wednesday in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. Researchers from the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine based their finding on a review of 162 nutrition studies published over the past 50 years. 'Our review indicates that there is currently no evidence to support the selection of organically over conventionally produced foods on the basis of nutritional superiority,' the authors wrote."

BOOYAH! So I, who have never set foot inside a Whole Foods or the like, have been eating the same nutritional value as you smug Whole Foods people, but saving a ton of moola. :D I'm so tired of "organic this and organic that" and being made to feel guilty about eating cheaper, mass-produced items - this article has eliminated any feelings of inferiority from my whole-foods-shopping-organic-food-loving friends and NoVa society. Ya know what, I've thought all along that non-organic food tastes better. There, I said it. I shall now be an outcast in my house and in Arlington. :P (although I still very much enjoy eating food prepared by my organic-food-loving friends, I maintain that it's the chef, not the ingredients, that makes it good) ;)

Note: I am only commenting on the nutritional arguement of organic foods vs cost and in my opinion, taste, not about any ethical statements made by purchasing organic foods, which is admirable if that's what you choose to do and can afford it (which I can't..) :P

2. "Sunbeds Named a Cancer Cause" (ummm...duh?) - "Global experts classify ultraviolet radiation as definite carcinogen/causes of cancer.....alongside tobacco, the hepatitis B virus and chimney sweeping, among others." "International cancer experts have moved tanning beds and ultraviolet radiation into the top cancer risk category, deeming both to be definite causes of cancer. A new analysis of about 20 studies concludes the risk of skin cancer jumps by 75% when people start using tanning beds before age 30. Experts also found that all types of ultraviolet radiation caused worrying mutations in mice, proof the radiation is carcinogenic." The article said tanning beds mainly cause eye and skin cancer. Eye cancer?! Gross! I think I'll continue being my white-in-winter, OK-tan-in-summer-self.

So...I'm happy I've never gone to a tanning bed and gave myself eye cancer or bought unnecessary, overpriced organic food. Also, I gave up my seat on the metro to an old lady today, so I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

In summary, I'm kind of a big deal (and modest!).

The Ewell Black Cloud

Many of you have heard of this elusive "Ewell Black Cloud" but never witnessed it in person. We're convinced we have a black cloud that follows our family around. It truly takes a Ewell to realize the full weight of it, although some people, like Chris, who have spent a great deal of time with the Ewells are coming to realize its full potential. It works very much like Murphey's Law - anything that can go wrong will go wrong - but with the added exponential factor of # of Ewells - the more of us there are, the more likely things will go catastrophically wrong.

The formula for the Ewell black cloud --> p(Murphey's Law) * E = C.
E = # of Ewells involved
p = probability of Murphey's Law occuring for the Ewells = .75 (75% - note - this number is usually lower for most families)
C = Catastrophe

As you can see, the more Ewells that are involved will yield a bigger catastrophe.


Here are some examples of The Ewell Black Cloud in action. These will be updated as I and other family members remember more stories and as new ones undoubtedly occur.

Restaurant related:
1. All of the Ewells (including extended family- see formula above - this means disaster) go out to Ihop at a normal dinner time. They're out of syrup (?!) along with salt, ketchup, napkins and just about whatever else we asked for.

Sports-related:
1. It's the start of Aubrie's senior year on the high school soccer team. Every other year they've had the players select captains (which means Aubs is a shoe-in). This year, however, they decide to let the coaches (aka b**ches who for some reason hate Aubs - I think it's b/c they're jealous she's way better than they ever were) select the captains, and of course they pick their favorites. Later in the year, they asked her (privately) to help lead the team and pick them up during a down time, since the current "captains" were doing a lousy job of it and all the girls "really had respect for Aubrie."

Boating-related - probably the mother of all Ewell black clouds:
1. First time I ever learn to water ski - badly sprain my ankle
2. While tubing with my uncle Mark as a young teenager, he accidentally kicks me in the head. He notices I'm bleeding out of my ear, and starts freaking out, thinking I have a horrible head injury. Everyone rushes me back to the house and I remember all the adults freaking out and shining a light in my eyes until we figure out...it was just a pimple that burst when he kicked it.
3. Natalie is driving the boat, pulling my dad water-skiing. He falls and the rope springs back into the boat, and WRAPS AROUND HER NECK TWICE and goes taut, choking her until Aubrie rescues her. ???
4. Lynnsie is swinging on the rope swing while everyone else is out in the water. Then all we hear is shrieking pain from her. Apparenlty she had been swinging with her arms and feet up on the rope and her butt hanging low, and then...essentially came to a stop on a stump...with her butt. Ow. poor girl. Guess she proved us wrong about the "hope she can still have kids" thing.
5. There's been several instances of boats ending up tangled in the weeds at the river, which usually involved after-dark rescues and propellers needing to be replaced because they're so clogged with weeds. Was a lot worse before cell phones. I'll let family members elaborate on this one.
6. Also many incidents of the propeller wrapping around the tow-rope and breaking. I'll have to let my dad elaborate on this one. :P

Vacation-related:
1. One pleasant stay in a super nasty motel in NC for a softball tournament.
2. As kids, the entire Ewell family (+extended = disaster) went to Busch Gardens for the whole day. A family friend, Lee, is watching the younger kids while everyone else goes on a ride. Natalie is walking on top of a bench and falls and cracks her head open on a railing. Everyone is rushed to the ER to get Nats stiches. At least we all got free passes to come back.
3. Before internet, gps systems, or cell phones, the entire Ewell family (+ extended) goes on a road trip to Washington DC and Baltimore. Three cars of Ewells head toward the Washington DC zoo/impending doom. Apparenlty it's minority day at the zoo and the zoo is PACKED. There's no place to even park and no one can get into the zoo anymore. In all the confusion, all of our cars have to turn around and navigate our way through downtown DC to the hotel in Baltimore, which not all the cars have directions to. All three cars get horribly lost and separated. Eventually, 2 cars make it to the hotel, but uncle Mark didn't turn up for hours...all he knew was the name of the hotel and the city. I'm amazed he found it - although I think he had to go to a few of them before he did. :P
4. Last year, Lynnsie, who's in the Army, was set to be stationed in Hawaii, so we planned our vacation for there - she ends up going to Korea instead. This year, Lynnsie was supposed to be stationed in Florida, so we planned our vacation for there - she ends up in Maryland instead.

Accidental foot-in mouth moments:
1. This is a pretty good one... As a young teen, before I could drive, my mom drove me and a girl that lived close to us to some summer camp the youth group was running for underpriveleged kids. We'd pick her up every day. On the last day I remember this girl saying to my mom "Thanks for picking me up! My grandparents are too lazy to drive me - my grandma won't get up off her butt and stop watching her soaps to take me anywhere." A few days later, standing around after church, my friend Becky and I were talking with a group of adults, and the topic turned to child-neglect. Thinking myself clever for speaking with a group of adults about an important topic, I said, "speaking of which, my friend Lori ___ just told me the other day how much she appreciated us picking her up b/c her grandparents are too lazy to take her anywhere and how her grandmother never gets her butt up off the couch from her soaps. Can you believe that?" ...Silence for a moment, then, from an older woman in the group, "WELL, you can go tell MY GRANDDAUGHTER that I really don't APPRECIATE her talking about us like that, and that is ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE AND THE NEXT TIME SHE EVER WANTS A RIDE ANYWHERE SHE CAN JUST FORGET ABOUT IT - THE NERVE OF THAT GIRL.......this continued on for a couple minutes, while I stood there mortified. Apparenlty the 4 adults in the group were this girl's grandparents and her aunt and uncle... now, come on, what are the chances of that?! our church has thousands of members :::open mouth, insert foot:::

Miscellaneous:
1. I remember getting baptized as a 10 year old - you wear a white robe and apparently you're supposed to wear light-colored clothing underneath it since the robe gets wet and see-through. I remember I was wearing light colored clothing and my mom packed me a purple outfit to wear for after. Silly me changed into the dark purple outfit for the baptism, which made me look like a big purple grape.

awesome signs, etc

I see a lot of hilarious signs and license plates, etc. I'm going to try to keep track of them here, with pictures when I can:

Best license plate (in context) I've ever seen:
A cop had pulled a truck over on the side of the road and was issuing him a ticket when I drove by. Truck's license plate: PWNED
I laughed for weeks. Unfortunately I was driving by and couldn't take a picture, but it was one of the best things I've ever seen.

Chris and I saw this license plate the other day near Harris Teeter: JJJADED
We both immediately started singing.















I saw this one a few years ago - on a Beamer no less. claaaasssy ------------------------------>






















I saw this on the way home the other day.


















































I've never seen a Guam license plate before:
















Shouldn't this be called "Q-tip Transport?" hahaha (only a couple people will get this one)





























I saw this in an email, so it could very well be photoshopped, but it still made me laugh out loud. I want to be friends with this guy.































Fede?? This is the FedEx across the street from my office. Apparenlty the X caught on fire and exploded b/c of a bad bulb. Awesome. How can i find the arrow now?!












My friend, Matt Klein, saw this car in Seattle:

Girl leaves path of destruction everywhere she goes

Or maybe she just has no peripheral vision? Or is the clumsiest person ever? Or was late to the biggest event of her life?

To make the story easier, let’s call this girl, oh, I don’t know…Molly.

Several months ago I was traveling home on the metro, per usual. On the way out of the metro, going up the escalator, a young lady (Molly), maybe my age or a little younger, sprinted past me and started running up the escalator. This isn’t too unusual. However, on her way up, she tripped and fell right in front of me. Stifling laughter, I stopped to ask if she was OK, but she was up and on her feet, and sprinting up the escalator again before I even got a word out. Apparently she didn’t keep sprinting, because I caught up to her again a few minutes later, getting ready to cross Wilson to go into the mall, where several people were waiting to cross the street. Without even checking to see if traffic still had the green light (they did), or if cars were coming (they were), or looking both ways, she just strode out into the cross-walk. She didn’t run either…she just walked out casually like she was out for a stroll. A car that was going through the intersection had to slam on her brakes and swerve to keep from hitting her. ‘Molly’ apparently woke up at this point and realized how close she was to becoming road kill. Her reaction? – to yell at the driver and flip them the bird – classy. Everyone still standing there just looked at each other dumbfounded.

If she was in such a hurry before, to trip up the escalator while running up it, why was she so slow getting to the street? You’d think, if not for her own safety, at least in the sake of hurrying, she’d run across the street…why did she choose to walk instead? These are things I pondered as I crossed the street (at the APPROPRIATE time - when the walking-man light was on). Thinking I’d probably never see this girl again, and how weird of an incident it was, I continued on my way. I reached the second street I needed to cross – Glebe Rd at Carlin Springs Rd right outside the mall. The walking man light came on and I started across the street. Across the street from me, on Carlin Springs, waiting to turn left onto Glebe Rd, a male driver sat in his car and inched forward, as he had a green light, with yield to cars coming out of the parking garage going straight onto Carlin Springs. Seeing his way is clear, he comes into the intersection and begins to turn left. All of a sudden, a car comes FLYING out of the parking garage going wayyy too fast, especially for coming out of a parking garage which slopes uphill, especially for going through a busy intersection. At this point I’m in the middle of the street, crossing legally, and I can see what’s about to happen. CRUNCH! The two cars smack into each other in a head-on collision and slide and almost hit me. Since I’m so close, I can see both drivers very clearly – the man looks confused as to “where did they come from?” and the woman – HOLY CRAP, IT’S MOLLY! – well she just looks mad. I stood there completely not believing what I was seeing. How can one person be so careless, clueless, destructive?? I continued home, laughing the entire way, as they got out of their cars and proceeded to yell at each other. It could only end well.

We had a couple debates as to who’s fault the accident was when I got home – was it the man’s because she technically had the right-of-way? Or was it Molly’s because she was speeding and out of control (and also a psycho lunatic?) Obviously you can guess my option – what do you think?

Crazy Old White Guy Day

This was too random not to share. The other day I was metroing home per usual - around 6pm. I got on the orange line and whipped out some reading material. I heard a guy having a louder-than usual conversation, but didn't think much of it, as my eardrums are frequently assailed on the metro...until I heard the topic of conversation - graphic sexual discussion. And by conversation, I mean he was just talking to himself, or anyone else who would listen - just a rambling, constant, stream-of-consciousness oration on sex.

Here are some of the more memorable comments:
- Old crazy guy on sex positions:
--"I love sex. I like all the positions - you got your doggie, your reverse cowgirl, and your missionary. Me, I like the missionary - that's your good, basic sex." >>turns to unfortunate woman sitting next to him<< "What's your favorite position?"

Old crazy guy on posteriors:
--"I like women with them baggy asses. I call them 'bag-asses.' I like to smack them and watch them giggle. I'll be like, look here b*tch, come back here so I can smack that baggy ass o' yours."

Old crazy guy on...himself:
--"Sometimes I like to look down between my legs and see my d*ck. I just like to know it's still there. I'm like 'Hey Buddy, what's up?' ...It turns me on."


He kept this up the entire way home - from Metro Center to Ballston - he was still going when we got to Ballston, and I almost hated to leave. Half of the people leaving with me looked relieved and horrified, half were laughing out loud and quoting him (I was in the latter category).


5 minutes later, I'm waiting to cross the street. Pedestrian old white guy man next to me, lady driver waiting to turn right onto street we're waiting to cross. Walking man light comes on, pedestrian guy next to me starts to step out onto the street. Lady driver starts to move her car, sees pedestrian guy about to cross, stops car. Pedestrian guy flips out - starts running toward lady's car with arms raised above his head, yelling "YOU DON'T DO THAT SHIT LADY, YOU DON'T DO THAT SHIT!" and starts pounding on her car hood and window, while still screaming. Lady driver looks terrified. After a minute, the old pedestrian guy gives up and continues on his way. Lady driver and I look at each other, shrug then laugh.

So, I dub that day - let's say February 3 - as 'Crazy Old White Guy Day' after these two lovely gentlemen I encountered on my way home.

altercation with thuggy kids

So i had an altercation this morning with some of America's finest youth. We all know I don't work in the best neighborhood. So, it's summer now, which means that many teenagers are not in school, which leaves them to hang out on the streets. For some reason the sidewalk outside my work building is a particularly enticing place in which to loiter. So I'm walking down the sidewalk and 4 thuggy teens are standing in a circle completely blocking the sidewalk. Since I didn't want to walk out into oncoming traffic, I politely said "excuse me" as I was walking up. But of course they did not move, so I squeezed myself around one of the girls, of course brushing against her as I passed. This is where I went wrong. As I'm walking away she goes "excuuuuuuse me!" Then she told me to "get my honky ass back here" which her friends thought was hilaaaaarious. Yes, very original. Btw, if I had something equally race-defining to her, that would be horribly offensive and they would have beat my ass. Smartly, I decided to keep walking and not even turn around as I heard her saying to her friends "I should go after her and smack her."
To borrow a phrase from a friend many years ago - all I was thinking was "Do it, chubby, and see how hard you hit the ground."

Reminds me of SuperTroopers in the opening scene when the police car pulls away and the kid goes "Man, i was about to bust my 9 in that cop's ass." then you just hear screeeeeeeeeeech and the cop car comes whizzing back in reverse. best opening scene to a movie ever, rivaled by the opening line "This is Bob. Bob has bitch tits."

Anyway, good times in NE DC this morning. I wonder if they've been waiting out there all day to "jump me" when I leave the office. They probably could, it's not like the have jobs.... maybe I better take the shuttle ;)

Pansy men in NoVa

Lately I've been noticing a rash of pansy men in NoVa. Grow some balls men!

a - Dudes who wear kneepads to play volleyball: We've been playing volleyball for the past few weeks. Males, unless you are a college/pro volleyball player, you probably shouldn't wear knee pads. We play in an adult coed "rec" league. It's just not a good look and the other team is probably making jokes about other reasons why you need those kneepads...

b - Guys on the metro who race for a seat: Men, on the metro, if you get on at the beginning of the line, like Vienna, and you take a seat, fine. No one expects you to give up the seat you're already sitting in. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about the guys who wait by the door to get on the metro and as soon as the door opens, they shove past everybody and race to the open seats, knocking over women and children in the process. Think George Castanza on Seinfeld in the episode where the kitchen catches on fire at the kid's bday party. I'm not the kind of girl who needs guys to ride in on a white horse and valiantly hold the door and reserve seats, but is chivalry that dead? Also, those guys look like major wimps. Then they whip out their newspapers or emo literature right away so they won't have to meet eyes with anyone who they just knocked over for a seat.

I wrote a letter to the Express newspaper - a free DC newspaper put out by the Washington Post, which most metro riders read on a daily basis - in response to a letter a woman wrote in about metro chivalry. They actually published my letter - here it is. (Photo courtesy of David.) This of course prompted a rash of letters from angry males (aka aforementioned 'pansies') but all my friends loved it. I love the title they gave my letter also. Favorite show of all time. :)



c. I'm pretty sure I heard my male roommate blow drying his (very short) hair the other day. (He claimed later it was his gf, but none of us believe him.)

d. We drove through Georgetown last Sunday afternoon...and most of the men walking around were prettier than I am.

e. They play kickball, which would be a good enough reason to be on the list, but then some guys really pansy it up by suing other kickball leagues for stealing the kickball "rules."

f. Pink popped collars are abundant.

I could obviously go on for a while, but if you have any good ones, feel free to leave comments. :P